Q.: Why are female mood swings called “PMS“?
A.: Because “Mad Cow Disease” was already taken.

In one of his columns last fall, Fred Reed expresses a sincere dislike of the ladies of MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Driving). Not that he’s in favor of drunk driving; rather, because he feels that MADD a front for a neo-prohibitionist/morality police movement under the guise of public safety do-gooders. Or as he puts it:

…the MADD girls are not against drunk driving. They are prohibitionists pretending to be something else. Their name is artfully crafted to make them seem to be no end virtuous—moral bidets squirting purest goodness. What could be more pure than motherhood? But it is like calling the Spanish Inquisition a society for the protection of orphans. It still isn’t.

Because the MADD ladies’ definition of “impaired” is so far-reaching, they effectively prevent the consumption of any amount of alcohol by anyone without risking arrest by over-zealous police.

According to Fred, if you follow the logic of MADD regarding the inability of the “impaired” to properly operate a motor vehicle, anyone suffering from PMS is likewise “impaired” and should be prohibited from same. He quotes Planet Estrogen magazine as saying of PMS:

“Additionally, several studies demonstrate reduced reaction time, neuromuscular coordination and manual dexterity during the pre-menstruation and menstrual phases.”

Sounds pretty impaired, don’t you think?

Of course, I’m not suggesting that the designation of “impaired” be expanded to include all women with PMS. Rather, it’s only sensible to relax the definition to exclude the guy who just had a glass of wine with his date, or stopped for a single beer on the way home from work. He’s probably safer behind the wheel than the overwrought soccer mom who’s late picking little Cindy-Lou up from ballet practice.