What is something that makes you ANGRY?
Well, if you’re going to limit me to just ONE thing, I’ll say rude people. Those ignorant folks who will let a door close in your face when your arms are full; the a$$holes who cut you off in traffic and then flip you the bird when you honk at them; folks who show up late for appointments or keep you waiting on them and don’t ever apologize, because they believe your time is of no value. Yeah, rude people really pi$$ me off.

What is your favorite ALCOHOLIC drink?
I’m a beer drinker. It’s in the budget. I also enjoy Jack Daniels mixed with Coke. And a good glass of merlot with dinner is always nice.

What is your BIRTHDATE?
March 29 – feel free to mark your calendars.

Do you have any BIRTHMARKS?
Just one, and only a few select folks have had the priviledge of seeing it. It’s rather personal, and kinda small.

What are your CAREER aspirations?
To live long enough to retire – please, GOD.

Have you ever seen a CORPSE?
If we’re talking HUMAN corpses, only in a funeral parlor. I’ve had the daunting task of seeing to the remains of many, many pets.

What is your favorite DESSERT?
Again, I have to pick just ONE? I’ll go with carrot cake with cream cheese frosting. But then again, there’s always chocolate cake with buttercream frosting. Or coconut cake with pineapple filling. Let’s just say, CAKE.

When its your time, how would you like to DIE?
Quickly. I don’t want to know it’s coming. I don’t want my family to have to watch it coming for months and months. I have a dear friend who is right now dealing with her father, who has both Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s. As if one of those diseases wasn’t cruel enough. I never want to put my family through that. I watched cancer take my own father; I have a hard time remembering what he looked like before he lost all that weight and lost his hair. I don’t want to be remembered as diseased.

If you were an EVIL character, what would your name be?
I’ll have to come back to this one.

Have you ever set FIRE to anything?
Many years ago, in another life, I was a volunteer firefighter in a little town called Franklin Lakes, NJ. During that time, we did several “controlled burn” operations, with the dual purpose of ridding the owner of unwanted buildings (or vehicles) and getting practice putting out fires. Other than that, only campfires and bonfires.

What’s your best FLIRTY line?
I don’t do flirty. I am old. And I didn’t do flirty very well when I was young.

What food turns you into a complete GLUTTON?
There’s two things I can think of that I will eat until they’re gone. One is my sister’s stuffed shells. She stuffs them with spinach, Italian sausage and ricotta cheese, covers them with tomato sauce and mozarella, then bakes them. They’re to die for. The other is corned beef and cabbage. St. Patrick’s Day is my favorite holiday.

What is the best GIFT you have ever gotten?
The ones I appreciate most have been plants for my garden. Rosebushes, flowering trees, lilies, and other perennial plants that come back year after year to remind me of the giver and the occasion. I also still have and use daily the Parker pen and pencil set that my (ex) in-laws gave me when I graduated college.

What is your definition of HAPPINESS?
Being content with whatever state and condition you’re in. And sometimes – I am.

Who do you HATE more: Paris Hilton or Jessica Simpson?
Honestly, I don’t give a flip about either one of them.

Who do you think is the biggest village IDIOT?
So many idiots to choose from. I’ll be generic, and say anyone whose minds are closed to opposing viewpoints. Listen to what your opposition is saying … they might actually have thought of something you missed. If they didn’t you can still disagree with them.

State an INTERESTING fact about yourself.
Despite being about the most un-athletic person on the planet, I’m an exceptionally strong swimmer. I’ve worked as a lifeguard, and have been a Certified Water Safety Instructor (now expired).

What is the worst JOB you have ever had?
That’s a toss-up. There were three that I absolutely hated. I spent one summer working for my dad as a drill-press operator. It was his way of making me realize that I really did want to go to college, after all. I spent one summer as “the ice cream man”. Did you realize that those guys work on consignment, and have to rent the truck and buy their own gas? I think I cleared about $50 that summer. And once, I took a temporary position packing slippers into boxes. I lasted one day. A very temporary position.

What is your favorite piece of JEWELRY?
A sterling silver locket that my mom gave me for my 40th birthday. My father had given it to her years before, and she told me that she wanted me to have it while she was around to see me enjoy it. And I do.

KARAOKE: love it or hate it?
Never been, never done it. I can’t sing though so I suspect I’d hate it.

How do you feel about having KIDS?
I love my children dearly. They are my greatest accomplishment. I’m glad that I stopped at two; any more and I don’t think I would have survived “the teenage years”. I just wish that society prepared people better for parenthood. Think about it – you have to take a test to drive a car, but any fool in the world is allowed to be a parent. And there’s no training. They just hand you a baby and let you have at it.

Who is the great LOVE of your life?
I’d really rather not say.

What would you like to LEARN how to do?
Hang glide. Seriously, every time I see hang gliding I think “Damn, that looks like fun!”. Some day, I’m gonna splurge and do it.

What is your favorite childhood MEMORY?
Ice skating on the lake where I grew up, early in the morning, when no one else was around. I’d have the whole lake to myself, I could try new “tricks” and not worry about falling down and being embarassed, and no one got in my way.

If you had MINIONS, what would you order them to do first?
Clean my house!

How many daily NAPS do you need?
I NEED one – I GET NONE – except on weekends.

Ever accidentally exposed your own or someone else’s NIPPLE?
Huh? WHAT? How in the world world would something like that accidentally happen? I do NOT think so.

Do you think OUIJA boards are really controlled by the devil?
No. And if you do, I don’t want to hear about it. Thanks.

Describe something ODD about you.
I like cutting the grass. Yeah, I complain about the heat, but all in all, it’s one of my favorite things to do. Nobody bothers me when I’m cutting the grass. The lawnmower is noisy, so I’m effectively cut off from the world, and I can just think. And it’s instant gratification for my effort. No waiting around for results.

What are you really PICKY about?
Clutter. I can’t stand clutter. I can’t work around clutter. I can’t function in clutter. My desktop has to be clear of everything except what I’m working on. Dirty dishes are to be washed or put in the dishwasher, not left in the sink. I open my mail over the trash can and throw away the envelopes and junk mail immediately. The bills get put in a folder next to the computer until they’re paid, and then they get filed. UPDATE 7/16 – Please don’t misinterpret this to mean that I’m a clean freak. I’m not. Generally, you can write your name in the dust on my furniture (all I ask is that you don’t date it). My floors sometimes are positively gritty. I can overlook dust and grit, as long as it’s not CLUTTER.

Have you ever been to PRISON?
Arrested, yes. Locked up, no. Not for one minute.

Name something you can do really QUICKLY
Find stuff. See the entry above about clutter. If you put stuff away, you’ll know where it is. When I needed the credit card statement that proved I owned the computer that got stolen when my house was broken into, it took me less than 30 seconds to find it. And it was 3 years old.

Who do you QUARREL with the most?
I’m non-confrontational by nature. Unless I feel really strongly about something, I won’t bother to quarrel.

If someone held you for RANSOM, how much do you think you are worth?
That would depend on who you ask. I’d like to think that any member of my family would pay their last dime to get me back.

What is your current RELATIONSHIP status?
Single, living alone, and uninvolved. Not looking to get married again any time soon. But a date now and then would be nice.

Which of the SEVEN deadly SINS most applies to you?
Envy. I have a bad habit of wanting what I think other people have.

Which would you rather not have in your home: a SPIDER or a SNAKE?
Anyone who knows me knows I don’t do spiders. They’re not natural. They have too many legs. They’re creepy. And they drop down on you in the shower without making a sound. I hate them. They all should die. The only good spider is a dead spider.

What experience felt like complete TORTURE?
“Natural Childbirth”. Who’s bright idea was that?? All that medical research into drugs and painkillers and anesthesia; who am I to turn it down?? If I had it to do over again, I’d definitely do the epidural. What was I thinking!!??

What is the first THOUGHT you have waking up?
Bathroom. Now.

What is the color of the UNDERWEAR you are wearing right now?
I’m not technically wearing any. I’m wearing a bathing suit, so this is really not a fair question.

What is your most UNFLATTERING feature?
My voice. I don’t have a pleasant speaking voice; I tend to talk louder than I realize or mean to, and I can’t carry a tune with a handle on it.

Who do you think is the best VILLAIN of all time?
I don’t know but I know I LOVE it when Jack Nicholson plays him in the movies!

What makes you feel VULNERABLE?
The thought of something happening to one of my kids

Which would you rather have: unlimited WEALTH or unlimited WISDOM?
Unlimited wealth. I already have plenty of wisdom.

If you could rule the WORLD, would you?
No – see wisdom – above

Who is your favorite X-MEN character?
I haven’t got a clue. I have no interest in, and therefore no knowledge of, the X-men. Rubbish, in my opinion. Your mileage may vary.

Have you ever had an X-RAY?
Well, yeah. Hasn’t everyone? Ever been to the dentist?

What do you YEARN for?
Absolutely nothing comes to mind. I guess all in all I’m pretty contented. That’s a good thing, right?

Who do you think looks more like a YETI?
This is a ridiculous question, and I refuse to dignify it with an answer.

What is your ZODIAC sign?
Aries – the brains of the operation.

What has been the ZENITH of your life?
My God – I hope I haven’t reached it yet.

That’s it. H/T to Sassy Sistah, from whom I stole several answers (I don’t mess with perfection). If you want to know which ones, you’ll have to go check hers out.