Prophecy

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pigs-flySome years ago, someone said “There’ll be a black man in the White House when pigs fly”.  Sure enough, 100 days into Obama’s presidency … Swine Flu!

Obsessions

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Obsessions…

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

‘You all have obsessions,’ he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, ‘You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.’

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: ‘Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.’

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: ‘Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child’s name, Brandy.’

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, ‘Come on, Dick, we’re leaving. Your brothers Peter and Willy are waiting for us.’

Whatever you give a woman …

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“Whatever you give a woman, she’s going to multiply. If you give her a house, she’ll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she’ll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she’ll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.”

So – if you give her crap, you will receive more shit than any one human being can handle”

H/T to Emigre with a Digital Cluebat.

You Gotta Love The Elderly

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A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

“Good morning,” said the young man. “If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”

“Go away!” said the old lady. “I haven’t got any money! I’m broke!” and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. “Don’t be too hasty!” he said. “Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.” And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure on to her hallway carpet.

“If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.”

The old lady stepped back and said, “Well I hope you’ve got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of broke do you not understand?”

The Elderly #3.

Lookin’ Good!

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Class IV Beverage Alert for this one, folks:

Think you’re looking good? Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can’t look that old?  Well you’ll love this one.

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.  I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.

This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School .

‘Yes. Yes, I did. I’m a Mustang,’ he gleamed with pride.

‘When did you graduate?’ i asked.

He answered, ‘in 1975. Why do you ask?’

‘You were in my class!’, I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then, that ugly,

old,

bald,

wrinkled,

fat,

gray-haired,

decrepit

son-of-a-bitch asked,

‘What did you teach???’

Imagine

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I stole this from Mostly Cajun, but it’s okay, because he stole it from somewhere else.  It’s just too good to not spread it around.

AoM – Thanks for the Memories

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Army of Mom recently put up a post about Tiger Beat magazine that got me thinking back.  I remember Tiger Beat from my pre-adolescent, teeny-bopper days.  Back then, the “hot guys” were Davey Jones (my first crush!), Bobby Sherman, David Cassidy, and Barry Cowsill.

In honor of those golden years, here’s a little musical interlude for my …er…more mature…readers.  Enjoy!  And check out those costumes!

Indian Lake – The Cowsills. 1968

The Partridge Family was based on this group.  I think they also influenced The Brady Bunch.

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